back in my own home since this afternoon, after the cremation/wake. it was, as expected, a very emotional morning. kept having flashbacks of everything kor did and said. and I still cannot get over the fact that I never got to thank him after getting my first job. the treat I was supposed to give him will never materialize.

it is painful to see him in the casket, not looking like the kor I respect and love... The emotions were too overwhelming. I wanted to quickly get over with the cremation so he can be laid to rest properly. but I really could not bear to see him go like that. he does not deserve this sudden departure at all...

I managed to get through the last night rituals without tearing at all. but this morning I lost it. the closing of the casket opened the floodgates. I was not part of the ceremony because only immediate families were, which means my cousins' kids and his sister's family. I couldn't bear hearing my nephew do the last ritual before we leave, calling out to his daddy and following the instructions of the priest. sometimes I wish I don't understand teochew so I can't understand what they are saying. but then again, even if you don't understand, it is not difficult to tell from my nephew's sobbing.

my xiao yi did not drop by today, and the truth is she did not even take last looks at him throughout the wake. but you can't blame her... its because she could not take it. my poor aunt was unable to even answer my other cousin's question as to who got her the nice pouch and phone. I had to tell him for her that kor kor bought it for her in china and got her the pouch too... he is this thoughtful to these aunts of mine.

but life has to go on, now that he's really really gone. I will continue to miss him and remember what he did for me and my family. and in future tell my own kids, how this great cousin of mine... took care of us since young. bought me my vitamins & cod liver oil, bought me storybooks and read with me, picked me up when I was lost...

during one of the many conversations my mum had with him about asking him not to buy so many things and spend his hard-earned money on us... my kor said to my mum that '三姨只有一个, 为什么不可以?'

kor 也只有一个, 永远不可以被取代的