since last friday, before we got the call to confirm what happened. I referred to him as my cousin or kor. After we got the call, I dunno what to say. Kor? Casket?

It seems that by using 'casket' I de-personalize the death, and I relate to it like an incident rather than a person who is forever gone. Maybe being less specific helps to numb the feelings. but conscience kicks in I tell myself: 'For god's sake, that is kor we're talking about. Not just a casket'

The return flight is confirmed for tonight and we estimate the wake to commence early next morning. While I just want my cousin to be back home in Singapore again, like my relatives, I also dread the impending closure. I've been picturing my aunt, uncle, my 表嫂, my nieces and nephew cry by the casket even before the wake started. I know it will happen and its so real. yet, there's nothing anyone can do to stop the pain.

I was relieved that I could tell concerned friends, that I am handling it fine. Over the weekend I managed to pull myself better and distract myself with work. But now... now that tml is the wake. I do not have any confidence that I can be that strong again. The first and the last day is always very emotional. And I want to be able to control my emotions, to be able to help around.

its hard, but I will try my best. hold it back, gal...